Time

For weeks, months really, maybe years, I've been telling myself that if I just had the time, I would write that novel or put together that photo portfolio. And now, here I am with more free time than I've had in years--at least, until our son arrives--and fewer obligations. I've bought and washed the baby clothes. I've got the breast pump, nursing bras, and $100 worth of assorted paraphernalia I'm not even sure I'll ever use. We've gotten everything we needed off our registry, and more. We have a swing, two vibrating chairs, 2 playpens, a pile of toys, and drawers full of clothes that should outfit him for the next year or more. I've bought birthday gifts for friends through November, just in case I forgot after he arrives. I've sent out 25 thank you notes. I've bought diapers, wipes, hand sanitizer, even baby nail clippers and a thermometer. I've bought things I'd never even heard of until weeks ago (a nasal aspirator? breast shields??). I've read "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and "The Whole Pregnancy Handbook" and dozens of articles online about motherhood. I've visited a daycare center, picked a pediatrician, and planned our first vacation. I've checked off just about every item on the four pages of to-do lists I compiled on the day my maternity leave began.
And now there is nothing left to do but wait. Watch movies. Sleep in. Read novels. See friends.
Take those photos. Start that novel.
Instead, I'm sitting here at 6:20 on a Friday night doing just about everything I can to avoid doing either. The battery in my Canon Rebel died. But I have yet to replace it. The journal I started six months ago is gathering dust under my desk.
What am I waiting for? I could say that it's just that I don't want to start something that I'll have to suspend for weeks or months once our son arrives. But that's just an excuse. For so long, I've told myself that all I needed was time. But the truth is, what I need is a little courage. Or, at least, diligence. Yeah, I know I know. Sounds corny as hell, especially since I write for a living. But there's a big difference between writing for work and writing for or about yourself. And it's not so often that the two overlap.
So I'm putting this out here now. I'm going to start writing every day--here or in my journal--until our son arrives. And as soon as I can get back to it afterwards... if for no other reason than that I'm never going to experience anything like this again: my first pregnancy, our first baby. And I could kick myself for not recording more of it sooner. But, funny, our son just kicked me instead (guess he approves). Stay tuned.